InsaneJournal

fandom_muses May

If you could change one thing in your past what would it be?

I can't even say how many times I've been asked this question and come up with the exact same answer. And I never say it or write it down, either, I just always blow it off with some noncommittal response about not wanting to have regrets when the truth is, I carry regret around on my shoulders like it's some kind of accessory.

Sometimes, it gets better. I'm able to not think about it for about five minutes at a time, pretend that it's not as bad as it really is, do all the things someone would do if they hadn't lost the person they loved the most in the shortest amount of time. I didn't go crazy and didn't snap from any kind of control, but I did sink into some kind of depression. Mum knew it, so did everyone else, and maybe if I just start admitting this to myself now, it'll start to pass. I can't avoid answering the question forever.

If I could change one thing, I'd never have let go. I wouldn't have let my hands slip, I'd have seen that the pull of the void was going to be too strong and I'd have come up with some other way to secure myself tighter. Because I've never been able to forgive myself for letting go, for falling that way. Even though the Doctor would be so angry with me had he known I thought like this, it doesn't change it. If I hadn't slipped, we would still be together now.

I can't think of anything else that's happened that would be worth re-ordering time for.